Ravens @ Steelers

Another disclaimer: If you are looking for the usual even-handed, unbiased game preview you've come to expect from the Nest, you won't get it. The Squealers hold a special place in our farts, er...hearts, and as such get a column big on hate, little on analysis. Anyway, the mid-season review had enough stats for one week, right?

The Ravens (4-3) come off the bye with a bang this week, immediately being thrust into the national spotlight to clash with the division leading Shitsburg Squealers (5-2). In a game that is as close to a "must-win" as is possible at midseason, the Ravens are facing a potential 2 game swing in this one, as a win would tie them for the AFC North lead, while a loss would leave them looking up across a 2-game canyon at the hated Steelers. The Steelers have been playing out of their minds this season, outscoring their opponents in their 5 victories by a 142-39 margin. Rookie head coach Mike "Omar Epps" Tomlin has found time in his busy schedule of filming the hit show "House" to seemingly right the ship up in Pierogie-ville, after Bill Cowher's farewell tour fizzled out at 8-8 last year. As loathe as we are to admit it, as nauseous as it makes us at the Nest, the black-and-gold (aren't those colors better suited to a high school or college team, by the way? My high school and college both used pee and dung for colors. Bring your uniforms up to a professional level, losers) may just be a decent team. Again.

On offense, the Steelers have the number 1 rushing attack in the league, led by the NFL's second leading rusher, "Fast" Willie Parker. Back in our neighborhood growing up, there was a crazy old man that wandered the streets talking to himself and trying to find his marbles - we called him "Fast" Eddie. Probably Willie's uncle. Willie has been running with a chip on his shoulder all season, but hey - we would be bitter too if we spent four years in college ball playing end, guard, tackle (sit on the end of the bench, guard the water, and tackle anybody who tries to drink it) like Parker did. Moderate pace William has went over 100 yards in each of the Squealers' five wins this season, while going for just 37 in the week 4 loss to Arizona, and 93 in the week 7 loss to Denver. Following A to B - stop Willie, stop the Squealers. What better team to do that than the purple and black, the NFL's #2 ground defense, currently holding teams to a paltry 72 yards per game? In the two glorious beatdowns in '06, the Ravens held Slow Bill to 51 yards on 23 carries. We think we should point out that, yes, Slow Bill had fewer total yards in 2 games than the Ravens had points (58-51). Stop Willie? Don't mind if we do.

The next "weapon" the Ravens will have to contend with is the arm of one Baby Ben Toothlessburger, who was miraculously able to avoid the grilles of Chrysler New Yorkers this off-season. Actually, he avoided all grills with equal gusto, refusing his teammates' invites to their summer Bar-B-Qs, steering clear of the outdoor appliance section at Wal-Mart, and ignoring text messages from rapper Lil' John and Bengals WR Chad Johnson. Just a season removed from leading the NFL in interceptions, Baby Ben has thrown only 6 this year, to go along with 15 touchdowns. Although, he is probably just trying to avoid anything that sounds at all like "intersection." If Ben is able to quiet the constant ringing that we imagine goes on inside his noggin enough to run an effective no-huddle, he may be able to do some damage. Also, we expect the Steelers to try to move the pocket for him, and utilize his mobility better than in past meetings. Last year, sitting in the pocket, the Ravens absolutely battered him, sacking him 14 times and causing him to at one point say that Bart Scott hit him harder than he had ever been hit (this from a man who, a few months earlier, had been hit by a car! Rest assured Ben will search out #57 before every snap).

The Steelers also have a new secret weapon, mascot Steely McBeam. The love child of former coach Bill Cowher and homosexual adult film actor Phillup Seymour Buffmen, the chiseling of McBeam's chin is rivaled only by that of his abs. It seems the Steelers management knew a big hunk of burnin love man-meat would do a much better job of exciting the crowd than something as silly as scantily clad females with pom-poms. With McBeam to go along with all the snapping towels, Pittsburgh has succeeded in turning Heinz Field into the world's largest outdoor men's locker room. Way to go! Might as well just get it over with and rename it "Heiny Field."

Cheerleaders? Ew! We'll take this guy, thanks.

All joking aside - the Steelers....suck.

No, really.

Much like the Ravens, they've faced the dregs of the NFL, only they have taken advantage a little better. Their wins have come over teams with a combined record of 15-20. They beat the Browns when Cleveland was starting Seattle's current 3rd-string QB. We're not impressed. Billick's Bashers (aka The Guru Gang) are finally healthy again, are well rested, and are primed for the upset. The Ravens own a three game winning streak in the series, during which time they have outscored the Squeals 74-20. Ben is so afraid of the Ravens' D that he stopped hanging garlic in his room in the hopes that the vampires would keep Bart Scott away.

If there is one thing that worries us about this one, its the fact that it is a Monday nighter. The Ravens, for as much as they seemingly love the limelight, play atrociously in nationally televised games. They have lost their last 4 such contests, including playoffs (after winning two in a row in weeks 15-16 of 2005, over the Green Bay Packers 48-3, and Minnesota Vikings 30-23 - go figure). This is a bugaboo they need to get off their back this week, with 2 more primetime games on the schedule, against the Colts and Patriots, no less. Will they be able to do it?

Prediction:
Coming Tomorrow

Special Olympics at Fenway Park

BOSTON -

Before beginning play in the 103rd MLB World Series, the Boston Red Sox were kind enough to lend their home field to the Special Olympics for a short 2-day event. The games were a resounding success, and even included a special-needs celebrity.

Mongo Papelsmear, known best for his role as "Warren" in the movie "There's Something About Mary," took home the gold in several events, and was named the Games' Outstanding Athlete.

A heart-warming story, indeed.

Mongo celebrated his win, Special Style

Chamberlain's B.O. Declared Unfair Advantage

New York- Umpires in Friday night's American League Division Series game between the Cleveland Indians and New York Yankees stopped play in the 7th inning, deciding that Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain's body odor was giving him an unfair advantage over Indians hitters.

"The Indians hitters were visibly woozy after stepping into the box against him," said home plate umpire Laz Diaz. "So we decided we had to either eject him, or come up with a way to get rid of that God awful scent."

"It was bad, real bad," said Indians designated hitter Travis Hafner. "You know that smell when you leave sweaty clothes in a workout bag for a few weeks at a time? Well, like that, but if somebody took a dump in your nostril as you were sniffing."

Another problem was that Chamberlain's stench resulted in a swarm of flies constantly swirling around the pitcher's body.

"Man, you remember 'Pigpen' from the Snoopy cartoons? Thats what that fool looked like, but it was bugs instead of dirt. You ever try to pick up a baseball comin out of a swarm of insects?" asked Tribe center fielder Grady Sizemore.

The umpires decided to spray Chamberlain with industrial strength deodorant to level the playing field.

Robbed of his "performance enhancing bugs", Chamberlain was no longer the dominant force he has been since joining the Yankees, throwing a wild pitch that allowed Cleveland to tie the game, which they would go on to win.

"Teams around the league should start to take notice for next season," said Indians skipper Eric Wedge. "Deodorant is Joba's kryptonite."

A blast (some hate) from the past....

This post was originally written right after the Squealers and the Refs stole Super bowl 40

So, the Steelers won the super bowl, huh? Or the Seahawks lost it. Whatever. After letting my boiling blood cool for a day, I want to say a few things about the big game.

First off-a disclaimer: The Pittsburgh Steelers are a class organization, starting at the top with the Rooneys, all the way down through the coaching staff, most of the players (former and current), and I'm sure a large percentage of their inexplicably large fan base. I have no problem with Jerome Bettis. He played the game the way it should be played for his entire illustrius career, gave back to his community, and if anybody deserves a storybook ending like we saw yesterday, it is Jerome.

That being said-a couple things that anybody not plastered beyond belief on Iron City beer with their air supply being choked off by an unfortunate byproduct of too much malicious towel-waving should be able to see:

The Agenda of the NFL

Is there anybody left in this country (with even passing access to a television) who doesnt know what city Jerome Bettis is from? Make no mistake about it-the NFL is an ENTERTAINMENT company. They make their money from advertisers paying for airtime during NFL broadcasts and fans dishing out their hard earned dollars to be entertained by 250 lb steroid enhanced man-beasts. And so, in keeping in line with that, the powers that be at the NFL decided the best way to get more people to watch the culmination of their entertainment season was to pull at the heartstrings of the casual fan or even non-fan by giving them something to relate to-the story of a boy beating the odds to get out of his ghetto of a hometown, achieving national fame, and ultimately returning to that (still very ghettoish) hometown for the biggest game of his life. You can't write this stuff. However, Jerome Bettis was not the only player "going home." Hell, he wasn't even the only Steeler, nay, the only Steelers STARTER who was "going home." LB Larry Foote also calls the Motor City home. How many segments did we see about him? Bettis deserves a lot of credit for announcing his retirement right there on the field after the game too, taking the high road rather then the, "lets keep them in suspense" path that so many egotistical athletes display these days.

Also, in watching the game, I couldn't help but notice those commercials that showed a player or coach molesting the Lombardi trophy like something you'd hear in a Rolling Stones song and talking about how much it would mean for them to win it. After the 3rd one I saw during the first half featuring a Steelers player I mentioned something along the lines of, "what the fudge?" to my surrounding Seahawk fans du-jour. Somebody explained to me that they were doing the commercials with both teams. And sure enough, during the 3rd quarter, there was Matt Hasselbeck groping said trophy. Next commercial break, right back to the steelers. Eventually, a group of players representing both teams, the majority of which, of course, were Steelers. Am I implying that the NFL was pulling for the Steelers in this game? All I am saying is that they are a company, like any, in the business of making money. Do you really think they fail to notice the abundance of Steeler fans floating around this country? The fact that about 70% of the crowd at Ford field yesterday had testicle towels with them? It gets a little annoying to those of us not wearing black and gold. Thats all Im sayin.

The blind (or very well supplementally paid) Zebras

Ah, the officals. First off, realize that the collective headache enveloping the city of Pittsburgh today pales in comparison to the one being suffered over at the NFL head office. The day after the Super Bowl, and the majority of the country wants to talk about nothing but the referees. That doesn't bode well for them. Chat rooms, newspaper columns, shit nobody will read (like this), and even ESPN are adamant that the officials undoubtedly affected the outcome of the game. Theres plenty of reading material on that elsewhere, so I wont dwell too much here. However, I do want to point out that along with the phantom holding and pass interference calls, along with the mystery touchdown by Ben in the first half and the 15 yard penalty on Hasselbeck for tackling (tackling??) below the waist, there were also glaring No-calls. Joey Porter (in the one play he made all day) dragged Shawn Alexander down by the back of his collar. No penalty for the horsecollar. On the play of the holding call (unanimously NOT holding if you watch ESPN today), the Steelers were obviously offsides, with the hawks center later saying, "I thought they were offside [on the play Locklear was called for holding]," center Robbie Tobeck said. "I thought we had a free play on because they had two guys come across." Whatever, right. Here's the bottom line: The Seahawks didnt play well enough to win. Neither did the Steelers. Either team, with the right calls, could be wearing rings today.

Best Team

What can you really ask for out of a super bowl, or any game for that matter? That the best team win, right. Did the best team win Sunday? Let's look at it for a second. The Steelers got beat "up and down the field," in the first half according to Michael Irvin. I'd have to agree. Anybody watching that first half would have never guessed the score to be 7-3 Pittsburgh at the break. "Big Ben," reverted back to his "Baby Ben" days of last year's playoffs, looking rattled and out of sync. To his credit, he was the first to admit he had a bad game. Still, even the plays he did make could have easily gone the other way. His 3rd and 28 hail mary to Ward was a smart play, because even if it is intercepted, the end result is likely just as good or better than a punt. However, had the Seattle secondary not had a group brain-fart at the time, 'dem stillers never take that 7-3 lead. He had the lowest passer rating of any winning QB in super bowl history. When I expected him to be perfect on those 3rd and shorts as hes been all season, he overthrew his guys by feet, not inches. And when he did put the ball where it needed to be, the steelers receivers displayed hands of stone. Game "MVP" Hines Ward had at least 2 balls bounce right off his chest. His only real MVP moment in the game came when Andre Dyson injured himself tackling Ward out of bounds. Dysons replacement took a bad angle on Willie Parker's run and also bit hard on the fake reverse, allowing Ward to scamper open to the end zone. In Herndon's defense, he is also the one who picked off Ben's lame duck and returned it to the Steelers 20 (on a side note, it was great to see Ben get absolutely flattened on the INT return, after all that hoopla about his tackle in the Indy game). And the other unanimous pre-game MVP, Suck-a-pole-amalu, was nowhere to be found all game. Not to mention Joey Porter's play being much less visible than his midriff during warmups. Matt Hasselbeck, on the other hand, was money all day, even when he was being completely betrayed by the butterfingers of his teammates or the yellow flags raining down that might as well have had "terrible towel" written on them.

Dems da breaks

Through all that, the fact remains that the Seahawks shot themselves in the foot all night long. Dropping passes, missing field goals, and showing the worst two minute drill seen in the NFL since the last Super Bowl Holmgren tried to coach (Well, to anybody except us Ravens fans anyway). The Steelers took advantage of every opportunity given them, no matter how fairly it was given, and made just enough plays (3-no more no less) to earn the "one for the thumb." I'm sick of hearing about that too-there are 2 other NFL franchises with 5 Super Bowl wins, you dont hear them crowing about thumbs. So enjoy it Steelers fans, you earned it. And NFL glory in this new era is nothing if not fleeting. Take that ring, place it ever so deservingly on your thumbs, and shove those thumbs straight up your....

We could have used this logo....

for the Ravens/Browns game preview. However, we think the team's 41-90 record since rejoining the league is embarassing enough for you Clevelandites, without bringing the Keebler Elf into things.

But just for good measure, take another look at this:

Squealers Introduce New Mascot

The Pitzburgh Squealers last week unveiled their first official mascot in team history, to an ecstatic response from the team’s artificially inflated fan base.

“Wow, I can’t believe we finally have a mascot,” said long-time black and gold lover Doofus McPierogibreath. “After all these years of convincing myself that a ‘steeler’ was actually some sort of waving rag, I’ll now be able to look down on the field and see what this team really stands for – 5 o’clock shadows and flannel shirts! Woo Hoo!!”

The mascot, named “Steely McBeam,” will be present at all future Heinz Field contests for the Squealers, as well as being available for public events and private parties. The name was chosen via a local contest, with submissions numbering in the tens. When asked why more entries were not received, contest spokesman Tre Rivers replied that, “Although we had hoped for more names to choose from, we realized when we started the contest that most of us Pittsburgers would have trouble with the online submission process. Why, I myself thought up a name that I am confident would have been a hit, but every time I tried to type it in, my keyboard would malfunction due to all the sausage grease on my fingers.”

Rivers conceded, however, that his suggestion would have been no match for the eventual winner.

Reaction from other parts of the country has been a mixture of confusion and sympathy, with many voicing concerns over copyright infringement.

“I guess the mascot itself is fine, although I’m not sure how many trees he is gonna be able to chop down with that oversized paperweight. Shouldn’t somebody get that lumberjack an axe?” said one gentleman on the street when shown a picture of Steely.

“Well, yeah, it’s a good looking grunge rocker, but aren’t they about 15 years late? And why is it named after that show with the dancing baby?” voiced one woman.

Indeed, the mascot moniker brings is sure to remind any coherent individual of the late-90’s hit “Ally McBeal,” starring Calista Flockhart. The people of Steeltown, however, seem blissfully ignorant.

“Ally Mcwho? Nope, never heard of it. Hell, we just got cable out here in the mountains in 2003,” said one resident.

Ally McBeal, of course, was on the FOX network.

McBeam replaces the unofficial mascot of the Steelers, adopted last season, “Road Rash Roethlisberger,” a somewhat cruel character based on the off season antics of Squealers quarterback/stuntman/x-games athlete Ben Roethlisberger.
Roethlisberger’s camp seemed eager for the changing of the guard.

A statement issued by Roethlisbergers publicist had this to say: “As much of an honor as it was to represent this franchise last year, I am fully prepared to hand the torch to Steely.”

Reached for comment prior to his weekly demolition derby race, Roethlisberger, however, sang a different tune.

“Man, this is bull. I went through 75 square inches of skin grafts, 4 months in a tanning bed, and full dental replacement for the people of this town and this is how they repay me? It is my vow that between now and the start of the season I will suffer an off-the-field injury that will dwarf my motorcycle accident and make ‘Rash’ the mascot once again! Just between now and the next preseason game I am going skydiving, mountain climbing, running with the bulls, and cow tipping. Dude, did you steal my Mountain Dew? Extreeeeeme!!”